Aries

“ Listen up you hot-headed Aries, this month will be as exciting as a lap dance from your ex's grandma. Your impulsive nature will lead you to make some shitty decisions, but don't worry, those STDs won't last forever. Don't be surprised if your boss calls you out on your bullshit and fires your ass. This is a good time to take all that pent-up rage and punch a wall or better yet, shove it up Uranus where it belongs. Avoid any long-term commitments or else they'll turn into prison sentences. And for the love of god, wear sunscreen because let's face it, no one wants to see another red-faced ram with a sunburnt nose strutting around like an idiot. Lucky numbers: 666 (because satan loves impulsive dumbasses like you) Avoid: Making promises that even Santa Claus can't keep”