Cancer

“ Attention all you sensitive Cancers, get ready for a wild ride this month! The stars say that you'll spend most of your time crying in the fetal position, but don't worry, it's just your typical emotional rollercoaster. However, be careful not to drown in your own tears and snot boogers. Also, avoid any confrontations with Aries or they'll cut you open like the soft crab meat that you are. Keep calm and cry on, losers.”